laptop.

so i got a laptop for christmas.
i took it away with me for the week i spent in torquay.
i decided to log some thoughts i had at the time.
its a load of ramble but i felt the need to post it somewhere.



POST 1:
sometimes peace is harder to make than war.
i no longer wish to be a bottomless pit of self obsorbtion and hate.
positivity and a dream of better days to come will be the only things to fill my head in 2010.
voicing my opinion will be my number one goal.
and making everyone around me see the good that life can bring will be my hurdle i WILL overcome.

POST 2:
sleepless night number 50980934285
seriously need a new sleeping pattern.
thought i'd get out of bed and sleep on the couch.
spose the lap top distracted me.
i have been meaning to write something in the way of a story for a while so now i have this and no one else will be able to read with without me knowing i thought i might aswell.
not sure what i need to focus this story on most, me or someone else.
my hairs heaps dry from the chlorine and im really glad no one ever reads this blog because it really is not worth anyones time, i spose it helps me to write it all down and get it out then maybe i could sleep properly but then in a way it helps me feel better because it conforms to what everyone wants.
the inner emo seems to show itself so much more these days.
is it 'cool'?
0h you know whats funnier is that right now this probably wont be posted for a month or two becuase mum needs to get the wreless fixed.
ramblers anonymous or shitful spelling.
i come up with these out there 'ordacious' ideas that i know will never happen.
they all seem to involve a lot of outward thinking time and momeny not to mention motivation all of which i am quick in shortage off at the moment.
one of these idea was to send mum and dad overseas for a holiday because i can.
im looking at upwards of $2000 just for flights not to mention finding their details without them knowing to make it a suprise and then they'd both need parsports which they don't have.
see i told you, effort.
occasionally i wish i could write well.
something decent for you to read.
i guess speed writing will have to do for now.
there's probably only like two people i'd ever show these sessions to unless you read my blog you'll never really know i'm this f***ed up.
i mean seriously its 5:07am now i havent slept since i napped this arvo for three hours not to mention i hardly got sleep the night before.
i think it's coz i don't like sharing a bed and this unit only has a double bed which means my sister and i have to share.
right now, well lately im into tunes more mainstream.
the usual HARDCORE is really bugging me and all begining to sound the same.don't get me wrong i love it.
it's something that keeps me strong but the scene oh the scene.
everyone apart of it makes me want to vomit.
they're basically all no hopers who just go to shows to have purpose in life.
yeah harsh whatever but here's a rant for you;
i see these 'kids' at shows happy as larry then you go home and read BLOGGZZ and myspoax or whatever and you see they're all cut up inside.
depression these days has become and excuse for a kid thats a sook and has become all too commonly associated to the genre of t00nez i have become accumstomed to.
you can deny it as much as you want but thems the facts love.
i mean check out the amount of suicides, i bet you know someone or know someone close whos had someone commit on them and chances are they're realted tho the secene somewhere along the way.
its a shame it bares a bad rep apon the positives that come out of it all.im not ranting about suicides and what not because thats just dog.no im trying to show you that these kids are all fakes.either way yo look at it they're faking an emotion happiness or depression.
whatever it is stop and get some help or just plain stop it and be who you are.
DEPRESSION IS NOT COOL DON'T FAKE IT.
i have decided i like notepad A LOT and this laptop.
mum has zero idea how this will make me become more of a recluse with my feelings.
sometimes i wish technology never became this imprinted on our lives but then i wonder how much i would be missing out on.
i mean most of my mates i've furthered relationships through technology texting, myspace or emailing.
but then i guess there are those major regrets like dating internet kids or the fulli siqq fyts with keyboard warriors.
hah its all been such an emotional rollercoaster ride ever since msn v 3.2 and then habbo its all just rolled itself out.
you know what i really do miss at this time of the year, the AFL.
far out i think its like my avenue to kill my anger off.
just yell at a bunch of random men that you support to help relieve everything in your life.
OMG!!!!!! taylor swift.
yes the rumour is true me my best mate laura, her mate jack and my sister 14 y/o shesca are attending her concert in february.
nawww what a cutie.
here's a lits of my top 20 favourite things right now;
1. LAURA
2. POP/"mainstreeam" music.
3. laptop.
4. notepad.
5. overthinking.
6. abigail.
7. THOMAS.
8. kids cearals (frosties, fruitloops).
9. family.
10.blogging.
11.writing.
12.swimming.
13.snoozing.
14.christmas.
15.$$cashh.
16.prmoises.
17.nye!
18.ipod touch.
19.bullshit ideas/goals.
20.LIFE.
coz i missed you so long since you've been gone that i've let go.
vegan?
straight edge?
is there any point in labelling myself?
i spose vegan is just the type of 'diet' i am on.
but edge?
what's that?
who cares?
its something for me so from now on im not labelling myself with it/.i
f someone asks i'll tell them i don't drink smoke or do drugs but there is no point in BRAGGING about it.
i have also beeen thinking lately how many xXx kids will actually be xliferx?
i mean yeah while you're a teen queen its a high and mighty restraint to put on yourself but when you're like fifty out with the girls for the dinner sex in the city style why not have a sip of whine?
personally i don't like the taste of alcohol so i know i wont be put in this situation ever but it's just a passing thought.
ooooooooooh i just remembered im probably going to get shot down and stonned for this but what is up with the new blue hair fad?
i swaer its begining to take over the vibrant hayley williams red hair but it looks shitter?
idk just my opinion but i thought we passeed the coloured hair stage in umm year nine if you're lucky probably more like eight?
haha idk i will most likely regret writing that but hey cry me a fucking river im allowed my opinion once in a while.
that reminds me hey best friend you seem to have drifted and began bullshitting my "m8s" to seem "kwl"?
idk idk but it seems like you bag people out for doing exactly what you did/do to them so they agree and think you're babe as?
life life life.
the internet ought to be blown up.
la roux!
next time baby i'lll be bullet proof.
oh man i really CANNOT wait for laura to arrive (:
which reminds me of last time when i bought jake with me.
man i wasted so much on that relationship.
he was an arse hole.
yes here comes the EX boyfriend rant.
really i was rereading messages the other day and he was just a plain dick head to me.
blunt and not kindly at all but hey he turned up every weekend for the root didn't he.
*ROOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLSSS EEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEES
i really really absolutely regret giving it to him.
but hey i spose it was all a learning curve.
niave little children.
okay re-reading all the bullshit i wrote then going to SLEEP!
or at least attmepting to.
- 5:37am 28.12.2009

POST 4:
when doubt flows through your mind you manage to find faults in even the previously thought most perfect objects ever.
you think everything is perfect but just for one second you let your guard down and everything turns to a lifeless joke.
impossible for you to have previously been so niave and think this would last forever.
i need it i need everything you give to me but this doubt doesn't assure me that i can reach this dream.
when did i become so weak and see the worst in the world.when did everything i know become so easily negative.

POST 5:
hey failure.
i have not felt this shit in quite a while.
how come nothing i do is ever good enough for you?
would you prefer me to rebel?
would you like to pick me up from
the hospital or police station at 4am due to alcohol abuse?
tell me what im doing wrong.im not the same as everyone else.
i refuse to pretend to be.
i am your daughter and its about f***ing time you manned up and accepted me for who i am.
infact its about time this whole family took a long hard look at themselves and found smething positive.
im really NOT OKAY.
i can't and i wont live a lie.